so much for starting again...

my last post was that i lost my job... well, sort of.  my work contract was cut in half, so technically, i lost half my job.  that's my excuse for not continuing what i started a few months ago (to blog regularly).  i got caught up in trying to find a replacement for the classes i lost... 

instead, i found a whole new work contract that gave me a full time job teaching 12 classes a week.  and so i got busy,  and between that, and moving flats and settling in,  i got caught up in the many moments that ensued and forgot all about blogging!  and as if that wasn't enough on my plate, i adopted a 3 month old puppy!

it's been quite a ride since and i realize how one thing leads to another and the story of our life unfolds.  every day after my asana practice, i always take the time to be grateful, for the day, for my health, and all the blessing that support my daily life.  then i pause and smile at all the other things i don't consider on the surface as blessings, and pray for wisdom that i see them as such, and use them as opportunities for conscious growth and evolution.  when i pause like this, as if instantly there is an inner guidance that is present and i can intuit the big picture.  how the web and the woof of the tapestry of life fit just perfectly.  how all these things/events/circumstances are necessary to make the whole.  nothing is bad or good, black or white, blessings or non-blessings.  in effect, they are all blessings!  all part of the big picture.  with an inward smile as i open my eyes after this attitude of gratitude practice, looking half in and half out, i am aware of that which is looking, the process of looking, watching, witnessing... and listen to the silence underneath all the sounds...

last week, the owner of the yoga center i have an exclusive contract to teach in, just told me that she can't comply with the contract effective end of the month.  meaning that she has to break it, cut my income in half, and take away my living allowance.  perhaps i was slow in reacting, but i just accepted it, and said ok... and now let's move on.  i found out later on, that my british colleague said he didn't accept it and that she had to give a month's notice like it says in the contract.  i wonder if it's because i'm asian and there's a tendency to just accept things.  or is it my Vipassana training to just observe knowing that things always pass?

from experience, i've seen that when one door closes, another one opens.  and i suppose this is what i was hoping for.  well, after a week of trying to find other teaching positions in the many yoga centers here in Shanghai, i found out the real yoga scene here....  like everything else, it's really just business.

in the meantime, it's become a practice of remaining equanimous, doing my dharma (whatever needs to be done in the moment), and to not be attached to the outcome.  now it's a matter of tenacity and perseverance to hang in there, and also, to be creative with whatever is placed in front of me.  times like these, i'm sure glad that my physical practice has trained me well that i'm able to translate these qualities to daily life. 

it's been a long time since i wrote anything in here....  and so many things have happened since that time i tried to start.  so much for my intention at online journaling.   . 

fear aside and laziness too, here's another try at a fresh start.  all we can do is start again, with a calm and equanimous mind i suppose, as one of my teachers say. 

currently i'm in Shjanghai, teaching yoga at a relatively new yoga center. 
www.shantiyogash.com/front/teacher.php
i've been here on and off for the last 6 months, but now mostly settled in.  the current curiousity and challenge in teaching yoga here is teaching the philosophy as well as the asanas.  yoga isn't only doing postures after all.  asana practice is a  tool and a path for the inner work essential in yoga.  one of my teachers, Dharma Mittra said that without the intention of Self-Realization, asana practice is pointless. 

indeed, intention is everything, according to Gautama the Buddha.  but is it so wrong to start the practice of asana if you want to merely lose weight?   or even just challenge  yourself  on the physical level?  this has been an ongoing discussion and sometimes debate in the yoga world, and depending on which side you're on, or your understanding of yoga or the process and destination of yoga, there are as many views as there are breaths of men...

personally, i trust the path of yoga.  and no matter how mundane ones intentions might be in starting up with yoga asana practice for example, in due time, something will blossom, knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally.  there's something to be said about straightening the spine, and breathing deeply and evenly, and focusing the mind on moving your inner knees to your outer knees, or synchronizing your breath with movement.  something clicks inside eventually with regular practice, and the surface of the mind becomes quiet, and you get a glimpse of the depth.  if you're lucky enough, there might be stillnes, maybe even a sense of peace, that comes from nothing outside oneself.

in general, yoga in Shanghai is in the primary stages, by that i mean the gross form, first the body, the poses.  the breath is still too subtle but many are open to learning about where the breath can take them.  it is the thread that joins to the subtler realms. 

but how to point out the subtler realms if intellectually, your belief system does not include such concepts?  remember, many things were taken away during the Cultural Revolution.  time will tell.  as my Ashtanga teacher Pattabhi Jois says, practice practice and all is coming...

written on march 16: Namaste everyone, Many many thanks for all your heartfelt replies of love and support at this time of loss, sending prayers of Light and Love. The last few days has not been easy, but I feel your love and the grace of God carrying me through each moment. I feel truly blessed to be here right now in the ashram of Sai Baba, where I can just allow myself to go through the process of grieving and finding my way again. Swami is teaching me things while in darshan which I cannot verbalize, sort of like telepathy, and I’m understanding things I cannot quite explain. And then sometimes, waves of sadness just overwhelms me. What a journey the last few days has been. All the philosophies and practices I’ve done ran out the door. To confess, I haven’t seen my yoga mat, except for a few backbends and forward bends just following what my body is telling me to do, and neither can I observe my sensations with an equanimous mind. The practice which is carrying me through is Metta Bhavana, the meditation of Love and Compassion, and knowing that this too shall pass. Interestingly, when I’m not wallowing in sorrow and sobbing and caught up in the personal, I can feel my mom’s presence all around me, inside of me, as if in my thoughts, and wherever I look… as if she is within the Matrix of the Spirit that binds all that I perceive. There is a comfort in that presence, like a deep embrace, giving me strength and courage. Without a doubt, this is an experience of never really knowing how someone means to us until they are gone. My mom has been quite a force and inspiration in my life, and I am certain she will continue to be even more. As of now, I’m not quite sure when I will return to the Philippines, perhaps in a few more weeks. I have not yet made any decisions about what to do with the ongoing construction of the yoga retreat center as we do not know quite what the next step is since my mom was a major key in the project. My elder brother is helping me figure things out. Again, thank you for all your love, your comforting emails of friendship and condolences have helped tremendously in my healing. A former student sent me this and I would like to quote: Eternality, by definition, is not associated with things or matter, but is a spiritual affair more than anyhting that we can hold onto. No matter what we do ( even practice of Yoga), death to matter and to our material bodies is by all means inevitable, but if we master the science of dying before dying, we will connect with that which is really eternal, some call it our soul and its more like home in the spiritual world. After all, death is perhaps one of the best equalizers to remove everything false and secondary. "May we give each other flowers while we can still smell them and perhaps may we all Die Before Dying!" Love, love, always love, bela

namaste,

i wrote this letter yesterday, and would like to share this with you.  

 

Dearest friends,

I would like to inform you that on February 28^th, my mom passed away in San Francisco, California.  She was 75years old.

I only found out 24hours ago after getting out of a 10day vipasanna course, where I was in noble silence in a meditation camp in Hyderabad, India.  I am now in Sai Baba's ashram after taking the overnight train.

Unfortunately, there were no formal rites or funeral held for my mom.  My elder sister who resides in San Francisco, took care of wrapping up her apartment, and everything was mostly done by the time I got out of the camp.  She was cremated and her ashes are with my elder sister. Now i understand, why we have funerals and rites for our departed ones.  It really is mostly for our own personal closure. 

When something like this happens, sometimes all of ones philosophy is out the door.  I  was very fortunate to have been in a meditation camp which prepared me for this sad and shocking news.  Still, I find that no matter what you believe, it is the hardest thing when your mom passes away.  As you all know, I was very close to my mom and we were working on putting up a yoga retreat center together, where she was going to come and live with me in her retirement.  As of now, I'm uncertain of what will happen with the project without her.  In fact, before I went to the camp, I called her to tell her I'm going and we made plans to meet in manila after my course and told her I'd call her soon as I got out.  She died that day that I went in.    

There really is nothing more important in life than the love we share with family and friends.  Remember that each moment is a gift.  My mom always taught me that the most important thing in life is love and serving others.  May we make best use of our precious human lives. 

Please join me for a few moments of silence in her remembrance and to send her metta (love). 

Thank you,

bela